My postpartum anxiety and depression experience

 

I had my son in the summer of 2021 but I think my anxiety took a turn while I was still pregnant due to covid 19 and all the unknowns. I remember getting ready to be discharged from the hospital with my son and the discharge nursing going over a packet of things with me and my husband. I remember the list being things like "if you feel a pain in your leg it could be a blood clot". "If you have shortness of breath it could be a blood clot in your lungs then it could move to your brain and you will die". It felt like the list went on and on for things that could be a serious complication postpartum. All I could think was I now have this little life to take care of and what if something happens to me?! 

Fast forward to our first week home and I had fully convinced myself that every little ache or pain was something serious. I took 3 trips to the ER my first 2 weeks home. Nothing ended up being wrong with me but I was constantly a ball of stress unable to eat or sleep because the worry that something might happen to me and my baby wouldn't have his mom. The trips to the ER were horrible. I went alone so my husband could stay with our son. I was SO fresh postpartum that I cried the entire time I was away from my baby. 

Covid played a huge role in my anxiety no doubt. I was constantly afraid that me, my husband, or our son would catch it and get seriously ill. Because of this we didn't see many friends or family. Being isolated like this is not ideal for any postpartum mom. I tried self help methods first. I tried working out, eating better, cutting out social media, journaling but nothing was working as much as I needed it to. I even tried denial. I tried going out with friends in an outdoor setting with our son and would almost have a panic attack anytime someone walked by too close to us. 

On top of my health related anxiety I also was a terrified new mom so I was always worried my son wasn't breathing in his sleep. Or if he had a cold and was super stuff something was going to happen while he was sleeping. Oh and of course the ever looming SIDS. We were gifted a Nanit baby monitor which monitors the baby's breathing with a band that wraps around their chest. You would thing that was enough right? Nope my anxiety got to me late in the middle of the night one night and I ordered an Owlet sock which measures their oxygen while they are sleeping. I had not one but TWO devices on my baby at all times while he was sleeping. Its sounds so silly to me now but at the time it needed it to be sane. 

I finally looked into therapy and medication. I was hesitant about both but was at my wits end. I did some searching and found a postpartum specific therapist. This meant that she only worked with postpartum women and families. Who knew that such a thing even existed?! I began seeing her once a week and taking a low dose of anti anxiety/depression medication and slowly but surely began to feel like a version of myself again. Let me reiterate the SLOWLY part and the VERSION OF MYSELF part. 😆 Here I am 3 years later and just had my second baby and still learning as I go. As we all are! 

Its important to talk about postpartum challenges because one 6 week check in with your OBGYN is NOT enough!